My Spiritual & Life Journey

Update added in 2025 — scroll to the end of the article to read the continuation of my journey

My spiritual journey IS my life journey. They are both one and the same. In this blog, I’ll walk you through my story. And you may resonate with it. Who knows, you may find an uncanny similarity between our respective path. If so, let me know! So let’s begin…

From what I recall and far as I remember, I’ve always been on the spiritual path in one way or another, even when I didn’t know it. I got initiated to both esotericism (Rose Cross) and religion (Catholicism) at a young age and from there I started to research the mysteries of the Universe, questioning everything, reflecting on existential questions and attempting at the age of 14 to write essays about it. I naturally got extremely interested in psychology (particularly personality tests of all sorts), Eastern philosophies (especially Indian, Chinese and Japanese), divination tools (astrology, numerology, oracles, tarot, chiromancy, ect), and by the age of 18 I had already acquired a massive library of knowledge, which kept expanding more and more over time. All that was motivated by the burning desire to know and understand myself and answer my biggest question: « who am I ? ». My main other existential questions were: « why are we here? », « where are we going after death? », « where do we come from? ».

At the time I was also really passionate about the arts, fashion, architecture, decoration and aesthetics. Colour had been, one of my first ever interests, especially through painting when I was a little 3yo girl. But my first ever interest had probably been talking and asking why, why, why, questioning everything that my insatiable curiosity could touch. Drawing, writing, singing, building, creating, managing, directing also got my interest as a child and teenager.

My twenties were quite materialistic though, even if I kept reading on personal development, spirituality and psychology. And I couldn’t apply what I had been reading in all those books. I was still feeling a lack of purpose, finding hard to give meaning to life and feeling that void within me that I could neither fill with material possessions nor with pleasure. At that point, I was living a very comfortable life but neither my job nor my relationships were fulfilling. So I moved to Australia with the intention of never going back, quitting everything I had in France. This put me on the minimalism path without me realising it at the time. I de facto became a minimalist but didn’t know anything about it and it’s only years later that I figured that it was an actual concept and that there was even a name for it!

My move to Australia is what actually kickstarted my spiritual alchemy. Just few months after I arrived, I stopped smoking, and within just 2 months I quit all alcohol consumption, became a vegetarian and attended a 10-days Vipassana silent retreat in the Blue Mountains. From then on, I started to meditate daily (still to this date), to actually practice all the teachings I had read and to embody my intellectual knowledge. But the following 3 years became absolute hell, and I can now certainly say that what I went through at the time was my Dark Night of the Soul. I experienced a massive burnout followed by a deep depression which actually became, in combination with deep meditation states, the soil for the burst of spontaneous shamanic and spiritual experiences.

Finally I came back to my home country, completely broken into pieces but completely new and transformed, and started to recover and reconstruct myself with the new life paradigm that had emerged one year prior with a complete new set of values and beliefs. I started a full time spiritual hermitage, living in the flow, focusing on the present moment, rebuilding my foundations, recreating my ego & personality, being more than doing, researching my topics, learning, meditating most of my days, introspecting, walking my path, embodying my talk and waiting for the next wave to catch me.

In the past few years I have been interacting to greater degrees with people, one on one, from all over the world, helping them on their life journey, their psychological challenges, and their spiritual path, helping them go through what I had myself gone through. I then at some point (2019) started my YouTube channel to broadcast my wisdom and share my insights to the world. And that’s where I am at…

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Update (2018–2025)

Let’s rewind a bit. In 2018, I had my first experience with Ayahuasca and Bufo. It was a short retreat — just a few days — but it was deeply immersive. The plant spirit didn’t leave me afterward; it continued to work inside me, subtly yet powerfully, throughout the rest of the year. It was not a casual encounter. It marked the beginning of a deep alchemical process that would soon take over my life.

Then came 2019. And 2019 was a washing machine cycle. My second Dark Night of the Soul.

That year, I plunged into multiple intensive retreats — Ayahuasca and Bufo again, Kambo, Iboga. Long ceremonies. 10-day immersions. As well as transformational meditation retreats. I had been meditating everyday since 2014, except for 2018, when I felt more worldly. But now that I was walking my shamanic path, I started to meditate with Rapé daily. That year brought me to the depth of the underworld. Every wound that was deeply buried resurfaced to be cleansed and healed. The chronic pain I had had most of my life and which couldn’t be explained yet (the fibromyalgia diagnosis would come only years later), started to undergo some spiritual treatment, with tons and tons of emotional stuff coming up to be released and transmuted. The pain was not just physical, it was emotional and spiritual too — sadness of the body, sadness of the psyche, sadness of the Soul. I could feel an actual hole in my soul.

But I stayed. I faced it all. And I kept showing up.

This was the year of raw transformation. Not the type you share on Instagram. The type that no one sees — the one that leaves you crawling in the dark for months with no clue what is going on. But this hardship didn’t come alone. I experienced, in the meantime, a deluge of energy downloads. Giant loads of spiritual understandings, about life and my Self. Realisations upon realisations, sometimes small, sometimes big; breakthroughs upon breakthroughs, all day long, day and night.

In 2020, I entered a phase of complete retreat from the outside world. Even before the pandemic, I had already stopped going out entirely. It wasn’t fear — it was a withdrawal into essential solitude. When the world went into lockdown, I was already in mine. And I never left. In fact, I spent the whole Covid period experiencing deep peace and serenity. I also understood that the collective was going through some similar steps I had previously had to face in my own spiritual journey. It was needed. The collective needed an upgrade of consciousness. And I could help. So I did.

I live in a small rural village, surrounded by greenery and open fields. Since 2020, I’ve lived like a hermit — no social outings, no errands, no stores, not even walks. I only leave the house for medical appointments for my fibromyalgia, pharmacy visits, or the vet for my cats. And yet, I never disappeared from the world. I stayed even more present online — sharing articles, posting videos (less frequently and not consistently, yes, but I did show up), maintaining deep and nourishing conversations, especially one-on-one. And I kept doing my inner work. It was a disciplined practice which I had had for years, not just an occasional tool.

But don’t think life became pleasant. I lost a fetus in December 2020 at the third month of pregnancy, which affected me immensely, and released him in January 2021. I went through my mourning, welcoming it all, feeling it all deeply and letting it go, only to face a new loss some months later. Then I kept facing losses in all forms and shapes. And then, out of nowhere, a new massive depression hit me, this time due to a concrete trauma happening in my life, which reawakened my grief around my series of losses. This time I had to allow myself to accept allopathic treatment. A number of months later, in 2022, I got finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia and started a new treatment that was targeting both depression and fibromyalgia, as if both were connected. Of course, it was connected. I had discovered it time and time again throughout my healing shamanic journey. This treatment started to work, and that’s the first time my chronic pain decreased significantly, which was a welcomed relief. The sides effects weren’t that bad, fortunately, but I experienced deep fatigue, which is still part of my current life.

And then… something started to shift.

Very gradually, starting in 2023, the spark began to fade. I didn’t notice it at first — it was subtle. A little less interest here, a little less drive there. But by autumn 2024, I was in a state of deep existential boredom. It wasn’t just spiritual fatigue. It was total. I lost interest in absolutely everything I had been passionate about and in which I had dedicated my full time life for the past decade: shadow work, inner growth, psychology, meditation, spiritual research — all of it felt meaningless. My whole endeavour of understanding life and my Self, and creating my Theory of Everything stopped its appeal. And I was still in pain, still somewhat depressed, except that now, I was also achingly bored.

It was one of these hard periods of my life. And I’d say, the third pivotal moment since my grand awakening. Years of pain, depression and vacuity had already drained me. Now even my curiosity was gone. I didn’t feel like reading, researching, introspecting, meditating anymore. Even sleeping wasn’t an appeal anymore since I was already sleeping as much as I possibly could. I felt emotionally lost and empty. And life couldn’t feel more meaningless.

And then came the love.

I had always had cats. A few months after losing one of my beloved cats, in 2022 (one of those losses), I welcomed a young stray cat, my first male — a sort of heart replacement. He sealed my heart and healed it deeply. But then, in 2024 a stray female arrived. I fed her for months. She became pregnant and one day she brought me her one month old kittens. And that’s when she accepted to get inside the house. Three months later, she got pregnant once again before I was able to sterilise her — unless this time she gave birth inside the house. And I was there in silence, in the dark, to support her and witness this magnificent moment of divinity.

Suddenly, my heart was full.

These tiny beings didn’t just crack my heart open. They fused with it. I no longer felt the hole in my soul. I no longer longed for meaning. I was in love — unconditionally. Their cuddles, their presence, their sweetness, their purring bodies against mine — it was pure love. Pure fusion. I felt connected, seen, needed, loved — unconditionally.

I didn’t find “the meaning of life”. I simply stopped asking.

Because when love is present, the question just dissolves.

Some might say I found meaning through love. But I would say: love made the search irrelevant. I don’t live in existential angst anymore. I live in quiet happiness. In daily sweetness. In the simple satisfaction of being alive, being here, being loved — and loving in return.

Today, I feel full. Content. Satisfied. My heart is whole. I no longer wait for something to happen. I no longer look for a “next phase”. I have entered a season of softness — quiet, gentle, free. There is nothing flashy about it. But it is real. It is enough.

This is the Pleasure of Being — a concept I coined in French, le Plaisir de l’Être, evoking the pure joy of being present and the deep pleasure felt by the soul itself.

I still need to fully resolve my fibromyalgia, though.

#spiritualjourney #spiritualpath #darknightofthesoul